Title: Hearts in Armor Author: DanaK; DanaK35@excite.com URL: http://danak35.tripod.com/ Rating: PG-13 Classification: V, R, Spoilers: little PMP; set after Arcadia; One Father/TwoSons Keywords: Alternating POV; UST/MSR, mood piece; answer to a challenge Disclaimer: 'The X-Files' and all 'The X-Files' related characters and situations are the intellectual property of the FOX network, Chris Carter, and 1013 Productions. The following material is not intended to infringe on the above copyright in any way. Which means, they aren't mine, I just borrowed them Hearts in Armor by DanaK35 I close the apartment door behind me and drop my suitcase on the floor. The silence is eerie and I turn on the stereo, but the classical CD that is still in the player annoys me. Still I ignore it and go into my bedroom to unpack. I hang up my clothes mechanically trying not to think of him. Spending that time with him in Arcadia has left me hurting. When Skinner assigned us to the case I almost turned it down... I knew it was going to be too hard. After Diana...after what happened between us, after his betrayal... of course I didn't turn it down. Dr. Dana Katherine Scully, MD and responsible FBI agent doesn't turn down an assignment...OH NO, she would not do that! No matter how strenuous her relationship with her partner has become... no matter how betrayed she feels – oh NO, Dr. Scully is an adult committed to her work. And how she sometimes hates herself for it ... I put away the last of my things and rummage in the bag for any forgotten items and there they are... Mulder's CD's, the ones he just dropped into my bag, when we were cleaning out the house "our house" and suddenly I get so angry at this, at his carelessness – he just drops his stuff into my bag...just like he drops all his problems, all his sorrows on me! ME, his partner! I fall backwards on the bed and stare at the ceiling. Playing the happy couple with Mulder has been one of the hardest things I ever had to do, especially after all that has been going on between us lately ... the last months have been stressful on our relationship...with us not having the X-Files anymore, me getting shot in New York, him almost drowning. Lately I have been thinking more and more about quitting. I know I gave Mulder my word after coming back from Antarctica, but it has just been SO hard...and then there is Diana Fowley and Mulder's absolute trust in her...it hurt ... it hurt more than I am ever going to admit, that he just trusted her so unconditionally ... I mean face it he trusts me usually... he is paranoid even about Skinner and here she comes… back into his life... into OUR life and he JUST TRUSTED HER... the adult in me scolds the little girl in me ... BUT HE IS STILL YOUR FRIEND ... BUT I DON'T WANT A FRIEND ANYMORE ... For so many years I have kept my emotions in check about him. From the first time we met I knew that he was special... and dangerous, because men like him are always dangerous, good-looking, brilliant, driven guys like him. I knew from the start that his obsessive search for the truth would always be in our way. Oh, he does care, he cares for me in that same obsessive way and I know he was devastated when I was gone, when the cancer slowly killed me... I know he loves me on some level. But I have closed my heart off to him, I have built a wall around it, so he could not touch me, could not hurt me. I always thought a time would come when I could break down that armor again and then I would be able to let him get close, to let myself get close but now I realize that I have waited too long, I should have recognized the signs he was giving me. When he told me "Marry me" over the phone I took it as one of his jokes, when he told me he loved me that day in the hospital after his accident I waved him off with a "oh brother", I took it as the tranquilizers talking... and now it is too late too many bridges have been burnt between us, just the walls I have built still stand and my oh so guarded heart is nevertheless broken. I laugh sarcastically at myself and get up and go back into the living room where I put one of Mulder's CD's on. It is definitely not classical music it is something I have never heard before, never thought I could care about, but just now it matches my current state of mind. A woman's soothing voice, singing about a distances, about how this is heaven to no one else but her ... about how she loves the way he smiles at her ... oh this is so NOT what I need right now...but I don't switch it of ... instead I pour myself a glass of Chardonnay and listen to the music "I know this love is passing time.... I am drunk in my desire...", yeah how true, I have been wanting to kiss that pouty mouth, to run my fingers through this thick hair for the longest time ...I pretended not to need him, not to want him but the truth is I want him so much it physically hurts and that's why I threw him out of my bedroom ... I know if he had stayed I would have been in trouble ... the times have passed where I could sleep in one bed with Fox Mulder and not care ... I do care and now I can admit to myself that I DO indeed care. There is that old saying that you only appreciate some things after they are gone ... well I can certainly attest to that ... before I never admitted to myself that Mulder has become so much more to me...and now it is too late. How could this happen to me? Me, fall in love with my partner? Impossible one would say, Dana Scully the ice queen ... no way ... I get up and pace the room, suddenly even more tense and uncomfortable... I feel the walls closing in on me and so I grab my jacket and head out, just out, away from the music, away from my thoughts...away from the pain and before I know it I am in my car and heading towards downtown Annapolis. The people at the waterfront bar give me a funny look as I burst in and order a Chardonnay. But after a moment the talking and the laughter resume. The bartender gives me a funny look and I take a sip of my white wine and notice that there is also music and people dancing. And then I notice the couples, swaying to the sound of the music, smiling at each other. "Just great! This is just what you were running from..." I take another sip of the wine and get even more depressed. "Face it Dana," I scold myself, "you want the impossible!" I think of the time Mulder and I danced in that club in Memphis, Cher singing, people going crazy around us, a deformed freak of nature happily next to the beautiful singer and Mulder and me in our own world ... the way he looked at me that night, oh ... it make me wanna cry... there was soo much love in his gaze and I didn't react ... I guess I just figured our time would come. I play with my wine glass and stare unhappy at the people around me. I feel lost and alone and out of place and the music is now playing a slow song and then I hear his voice. "Care to dance, Scully"… ******************************************************* She is mad at me - I know it. I could see it in her eyes when I dropped her of, the silent accusation. Oh, I know what I have done, you know. I know I hurt her, I know I betrayed her. I slouch on my worn leather couch and absentmindedly switch on the TV. I channel hop for a few moments until my mind goes back to her. To the hurt expression in her blue eyes when I defended Diana in front of the guys. God, I have been so stupid. She was right, when she threw me out of that bedroom. That forced time together ...I should have taken my chance with her and set things right, but I am just such a damned coward. When I told her she made me whole that night in the hallway I meant it. Scully is my lifeline. She is the reason I get up every day. Not the X-Files, not THE TRUTH, no it is Scully. She is my salvation. She is the light of my miserable life. But why can't I just tell her? I am the psychologist I know why – BECAUSE I FEAR her turning me down. Because I feel guilty, because I think I don't deserve this...deserve her. Pretending to be the perfect couple in Arcadia suited me just fine. Scully and I ARE the perfect couple. Under normal circumstances we would... yeah what would we do? We have never had normal circumstances. We have always been on the go, hunting for the truth, for MY truth ... she has followed me on every twisted path no matter how hard. She has risked her life, her sanity for me... she deserves a better life ... happiness ...love ... I want all these things for her but I also know that I could not stand seeing her with another man. And that is just the whole damned point - I am a selfish bastard – I cannot bring myself to confront her about my feelings and I cannot let her go! It is ridiculous come to think about it, because I realize that I will eventually lose her. It's not like she is going to play that game much longer... I have seen her loosen up a couple of times before, she opened up, she was ready to let me in ... and I blew it, I just blew it. I ask myself why in god's name I can't bring myself to talk to her about my feelings. Sure, I have told her to marry me, I have told her I love her but it was always the wrong time, the wrong place, spoken in a joking way so she wouldn't take it too serious ... and she didn't. What was I hoping, that she would take me up on it? NO WAY, because like me she has perfected the art of self-protection. Just like me she turns to stone so she won't get hurt, just like me she has built walls around herself, her soul, her heart. This has to stop. I change into jeans and a shirt and grab my leather jacket and my keys. The urge to speak to her NOW, to set things right is overpowering. I so hope it is not too late. I almost run to my car and when I finally reach her apartment I see Scully running out and getting into her car in a hurry. I briefly wonder what she is up to and decide to follow her. She gets out at this bayside pub and I park on the other side of the street and watch her enter. What the hell is she doing? I hesitate and try to decide what to do. "Maybe she has a date", a little voice in my head. "Ridiculous!" another little voice. Purposeful I get out of the car and enter the bar. There is music and laughter all around me and there are people dancing. Not Scully's kind of place at all but then I see her, sitting at the bar, a glass of what looks like white wine in her hands, a lost expression on her face. She is by herself. Has she come here to forget? I watch her from the other end of the bar, watch her watch the happy couples around her and the desperation in her eyes. A slow song comes on and she shakes her head in defeat and that's when all my fears fade away and I decide to go to her. This is the chance I thought I had forfeited. I know what she is thinking, I know the desperation, the feeling of being the only one who is alone and I want to shout to her "No, Scully, you are not alone, someone loves you!" And that someone is I, but I just say, "Care to dance, Scully!" **************************************** "Care to dance, Scully"... I turn around and look into Mulder's hazel eyes. My own open in astonishment but I give him my hand and he leads me to the dance floor. Like before we fit together perfectly. I cherish the feeling of his hand on my back, the fabric of his shirt on my cheek, his smell, that clean, fresh Mulder-smell. I can hear his heart beating rapidly. I look up and our eyes lock. I don't care why he came here, how he found me because right now something is changing between us... ****************************************** Her face shows utter astonishment as she turns around on the barstool and recognizes me. Without a word I take her hand and lead her on the dance floor. The sensation of holding her close to me is overwhelming. She rests her cheek over my heart and I can smell her hair, the faint smell of lemon shampoo and perfume. She looks up to me and I can feel the walls tumbling between us. Just like that. I reach up and put a lock of her hair back behind her ear and then I take her sweet face in both hands and kiss her. Just like that. It is the softest, sweetest kiss and I feel like I am coming home… ********** He is kissing me! Mulder is kissing me! The feeling of his lips on mine causes little waves of excitement to run down my spine. We lose ourselves in each other and forget the world around us. I can still faintly make out the music around us, a woman singing about a kiss - how appropriate. Our kiss doesn't seem to end and when it does he embraces me and holds me tight for a moment longer. The slow music has stopped and a livelier piece is playing. People around us never stopped dancing, but we just stand there facing each other, once again lost in our own little world. "Mulder, what happened?" I ask him and he looks at me and simply answers: "Our hearts were in armor!" END